Wonkette Notes Helms’s Passing
Written on July 7, 2008
As we all know, racist old colostomy bag Jesse Helms bravely died on the patriotic anti-gay July 4 day of American Independence … or did he? Our sources in North Carolina say there’s an insane nursing-home cover-up engineered by the Jesse Helms Center’s goons to make gullible racist Americans believe Helms died and went to Hell in the early hours of July 4, when his rancid body actually expired on the night of July 3!Sure, you’re an elitist communist and you’re thinking, “Who could possibly give a shit when Jesse Helms died, except that he should’ve died forty or fifty years ago, when it might’ve made a difference?”
…………………….
Today, we’re hearing through a “contact” at the Mayview Convalescent Center in Raleigh — where Helms died and spent his last rotten years — that the nursing home deliberately falsified the time of death, probably on orders from the Jesse Helms Center.
The only thing Wonkette seems to have gotten wrong in its report is the date of Juneteenth — June 19. But the Comments Section! It reminded me of that bit in Philip Roth’s Our Gang, after Trick E. Dixon has been assassinated, and a reporter is canvassing the public: “I did it. I killed him. I so wanted him dead.” [Link]
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I never shall forget the indulgence with which he treated Hodge, his cat: for whom he himself used to go out and buy oysters, lest the servants having that trouble should take a dislike to the poor creature. . . . I recollect [Hodge] one day scrambling up Dr. Johnson's breast, apparently with much satisfaction, while my friend smiling and half-whistling, rubbed down his back, and pulled him by the tail; and when I observed he was a fine cat, saying 'why yes, Sir, but I have had cats whom I liked better than this;' and then as if perceiving Hodge to be out of countenance, adding, 'but he is a very fine cat, a very fine cat indeed.'